It's a pleasure to be sad

A deep breathe in.
Then slowly out.
I am loosing my desire to be fake and ultimately unhappy.
I can see it in myself because it used to be the only thing I saw.
Now I am a bit older with many more flaws.
I have been so lost in my own thoughts that I forgot to be who I want.
I struggle because I choose to.
I fight because it gives me false hope.
I am me most days but some I am us.

Gut check

If anything you want is yours then what is stoping you? The captors of your life are adding up and time isn't planning on slowing down. In fact someday it will just stop. Yet you keep thinking you can plan out life, choose the life you deserve, figure it all out. That is such bullshit.

You can do two things in this life and thats it. Be happy or don't be happy. It does seem that simple actually and we fight our gut feeling because we are certain there is more to life than those two choices but there isn't. I am eager to share with the world that I am ready to try for the first time ever. I don't know what that means yet but I am sure as fucking hell ready. I am tired of being so anxious I can't breathe, I am tired of being upset that I am broke when I work a full time job, I am tired of not betting on myself to make my life be fulfilled. I am going to start working on my own happiness for the first time in a long time and honestly maybe the first time ever. I am scared to death and I have no idea what is in front of me but I know that it is time for me to act. My only other choice is a life that is full of unhappiness and who the fuck wants that!

Will the dogs ever stop?

A night like no other. Simple enough I'd guess that tonight won't bring the best night of my life or for that matter even any change at all. Maybe that is part of the process, the nights sitting quietly listening to music with that bit of unease messing with my soul and I'm laying in my adult dog bed. In the morning everything goes back to normal and the world thinks I am happy or at least it is so busy it forgets about me for awhile. I saw you recently, just for a second, you allude me to often but I do swear that I saw you today. I peaked around the corner and saw that thing that used to make you appear but when I turned around, you were gone. I wonder why can't you stay longer but I realize that it isn't far to stay to long anyways. If you do then people will just think they are crazy because who thought they could have you all the time, literally 24/7. Well I lost you again tonight but hopefully tomorrow I can find you.

I don't think much about weather or not this is the right thing or not. I know it isn't. I just don't know what is. This may sound vague but if you can read between the lines or at least attach it to something that matters to you then you will truly understand. Life is a balance of confusion, humility, anger, disappointment, and sorrow. Why are so many of the most powerful parts of life so painful? Well, it is so that when beauty strikes, you can see it. Being able to recognize your impersonal strength is something most people could never do, oh but hey, I think I found you again.

Don't forget to smile today!😃

Light and stuff

The light within can be a powerful thing. 

As I just sat down in my reality again it is truly easy to forget all the fun that was just had on my weekend adventure to San Diego and my eminent return to Los Angeles. I find that traveling to places that I have previously lived always leaves me torn between the things I loved and the reasons I left. I did enjoy my time in Balboa park and the museums they have to offer and the amazing dinner we had was just the icing on the cake for the weekend escape. I am now getting ready to get back to work and try my hand at learning a new skill which I should absolutely crush yet I am not sure that I even want to do it. I am really trying to focus on saying 'yes' to as much as possible in life and it has really taken me to some interesting situations and places in my life. I said 'yes' to a quick San Diego escape and I said 'yes' to most everythign else that I can think of this weekend. The trick will be seeing how much longer I can say 'yes'.

Eggs sitting on a jacuzzi

Not much to say right now. Well that isn't quite true but there isn't much to be declared as this form of myself. As a man who has become a chameleon through all of my life experiences I am never quite sure who the real me is? I hear people tell me what I am to them and obviously they all see me different but it's not just because they are different people but purely because I am not allowing them to not see the Jason that would appeal to them in that moment the most.

Does that mean I am fake? Maybe.
Does this mean I am a liar? Probably.
Does that mean I am still learning about myself? Absolutely!

I am not a fake liar but I am most definitely still learning about who I am at 33 years of age. I hear my peers talking about a life that is better and worse then mine. I once heard that if you have a roof over your head, food in your belly, and air in your lungs then you were kicking ass in this world! I understand that more as days go by but only because I am looking backwards and connecting the dots. I know that noting in this world is permanent and I know that life will continue to test me and push my limits but I would never have it any other way. There are beautiful, painful, amazing, unreal, introspective things just around the horizon and I am so excited to be challenged by life. The day you can sit at a table covered in pee pads, eating a week old meal because your aunt really wanted to serve it to you, your stomach now killing you, and a smile on your face because you know that it could be worse is a great day.

Who knows what happiness is but what I do know is that I am experiencing something special right now. This is a different sort of moment that has been poking at the back of my soul for a decade is finally being placed squarely on my shoulders but I am ok with it. I am struggling to find happiness and perspective but I can only hope that if I take one day at a time then life will slowly be more enjoyable.

And then there is family....

Some people in this life are your family by blood and some people in this world are your family by destiny. Either way it is truly amazing how people that you love have such power over you because you allowed them to have it. Years ago I got into some trouble with the law and I dealt with it, I paid my dues and took care of my shit but till this day every time I have a beer someone asks me if I am allowed to drink? Wow....that is like taking an emotional knife and sticking it right into my eyes. It hurts because I know for the rest of their lives they will question everything they do and they think they are actually better than me. I was told tonight that I shouldn't stress about life because Jesus led a life of misery and I should be grateful for any thing positive in my life. The absolute best part is that I didn't say or do anything except get home from work and say hi. I have been living in an odd situation living on what I call an adult dog bed but rather than feeling like I can make things better, my family loves to throw jabs at me and let me know that it could be worse. I do agree with that and I do not question it but I also wonder why they feel like they need to kick me when I am down? I remember all the times I have had to make excuses for them to my friends and make up reasons why they were so judgmental, racist, and just straight ignorant but after a while all you can do is wonder why do I care to protect these people? Well, they are my family. I don't like being spoken down to, I don't like that every single thing I do is questioned but this is life for now. I gave up all of my freedom the second I applied for a Visa credit card and decided to live on my own. I often wonder what life would have been like if I just stayed home an extra few years and never came back opposed to me escaping my reality for just a short time and then being sucked right back into the misery of others. I am beyond tired of listening to my family tell me that Jesus suffered forever and I will to and someday after a lifetime of misery and pain that I will be rewarded in heaven. I truly wish that I had a different family most days because I dream of how things could have been better but honestly I just hate how they push a religion that is so ridiculous on me as if that was my only saving grace. Religion is for weak minded people who need a way to control other people. If you ever tell anyone that they will be eternally spurned because they masturbate, want to fuck a person of the same sex, or just anything that is different than their closed minded reality then you are the worst sort of person that exists.

What is it to be a mentor?

When you choose to live in the moment and experience live for what it is then you are truly living. I have been trying to understand what life, love, and knowledge truly is. I am eager to help others and understand life a bit more every day. I have lost  my best friend this year, my girlfriend, and well most comforts of life yet I am still motivated to grow. I have no other choice honestly and need to grow daily in order to not loose my shit. I am trying to help a friend who is almost a decade younger than me understand what love is, as I truly have no clue at all what I am doing in my own life. I often wonder if the things I am saying are meant for him or for myself. Well either way, my words are more important than I have ever considered them which makes me wonder if I hold more value in the world then I ever gave myself credit for.

Quick Fire

Sitting in the parking lot of the mall I grew up in and getting ready to start my shift makes me wonder why I ever went to college at all. I have traveled the world just to end up back home at square one. I once heard that no matter how far you run from home, you will always end up back there and I must say it only sucks because it seems to be very true. I am starting over again and I am haunted by the conversation I once had with my father figure. I would have never been able to guess it but one year before he passed away on a Christmas eve, no different from any others, we sat alone and he spoke with fear behind his eyes that life was forcing him to start all over again. He was in his early 60's and the most talented man I have ever known yet he had to start over. A year later he was battling cancer and loosing the battle with the biggest and proudest smile a man could ever have as life would never bring him down because his spirit was so high. I wonder daily if he was telling me a year before he knew that he was dying.

I have to start somewhere and most of these post will be about exploring my life on a daily basis because it is my journey through this world. Maybe someday someone will read these looking backwards and connect the dots. For me, this life has been a crazy journey and I can tell my time is limited here just like everyone else. I am 33 years old and feel the tide of the world changing inside me. I don't feel the way I used to, happy moments come rarely, and the clouds seem to be everywhere even when the sky is blue for everyone else. I am looking to express these thoughts so that others can understand that I won't always be like I am right now in this moment. I am working to learn about life and explore the journey with writing stories so that if I ever father a kid and die early then he can read my words. I wish I had that opportunity.

Morning thoughts

A lifetime ago I woke up see the sun rising out of a medieval window as the wind slowly blew the window open and the sun struck you lightly on the small of your back. I stood up and walked to the window when you kissed the side of my neck and told me this would be the best moment of my life. 

I look back at that kiss as the sun slowly crept out from behind the Tuscan mountain range. It may have truly been the most beautiful moment of my entire life and its hard to think much else could top it. I wonder if you ever think about that moment? Or was it only to torment me for a lifetime knowing the girl that gave me the best moment of my life was only meant to be a quick as a flash in my story. 

I wonder quite often was it a blessing or was it a curse to have had that amazing experience. On one side how can it not be a blessing to find a love so intense that it haunts you because you lost it or it a curse because it is all you think about and wonder if anything will ever compare.

Through My Eyes

As we get older we see the world through a different set of eyes. We imagine the world we were told would exist, the one we dream of, and the harsh reality of the world we know. It isn't often we feel that the universe has align for our benefit, in fact it seems that the universe may have been constructed entirely just to make me realize how small I am in reality. We travel the world to gain a perspective about who we are and who they are. We are the people that we are comfortable with and they are the people who are entirely new to our lives. Sometimes if your travels go well then they become us and we become them. I am looking to open my mind and experience the world in a way that only makes sense to me but somewhere along the way my travels will hopefully become yours. I learned once while traveling through Italy that love was something you only understood when it was about to leave you and sadly this is the way of the world. I want to experience life as much as possible so that I can only understand love.

I currently live in Los Angeles, California.
I currently feel stuck and am looking to change it.
I just turned 33 and am trying to understand what it is to be an adult and a man in this world.
I know this 40 hour week is not my best option for happiness.
I am ready and willing to change it all just to be happy.

I will be looking to catalogue and showcase my travels through my life and I do realize that no matter where I am, I am traveling. I am lucky enough that I live in a place that many people all over the world dreaming of yet I can't wait to escape. I have a decent job with lots of school loans and knowing that this pace of work vs. income will never allow me to win. I have to make a dramatic change and I have to be bold and to be honest I am scared out of my skull to even try. Until I dream of a reality I can see then I will only live the nightmare I can't escape. I am eager to be strong in this moment and realize that somethings in life aren't always supposed to be comfortable. I am living in a manner which I am not happy with but I am lucky to have.