Not much to say right now. Well that isn't quite true but there isn't much to be declared as this form of myself. As a man who has become a chameleon through all of my life experiences I am never quite sure who the real me is? I hear people tell me what I am to them and obviously they all see me different but it's not just because they are different people but purely because I am not allowing them to not see the Jason that would appeal to them in that moment the most.
Does that mean I am fake? Maybe.
Does this mean I am a liar? Probably.
Does that mean I am still learning about myself? Absolutely!
I am not a fake liar but I am most definitely still learning about who I am at 33 years of age. I hear my peers talking about a life that is better and worse then mine. I once heard that if you have a roof over your head, food in your belly, and air in your lungs then you were kicking ass in this world! I understand that more as days go by but only because I am looking backwards and connecting the dots. I know that noting in this world is permanent and I know that life will continue to test me and push my limits but I would never have it any other way. There are beautiful, painful, amazing, unreal, introspective things just around the horizon and I am so excited to be challenged by life. The day you can sit at a table covered in pee pads, eating a week old meal because your aunt really wanted to serve it to you, your stomach now killing you, and a smile on your face because you know that it could be worse is a great day.
Who knows what happiness is but what I do know is that I am experiencing something special right now. This is a different sort of moment that has been poking at the back of my soul for a decade is finally being placed squarely on my shoulders but I am ok with it. I am struggling to find happiness and perspective but I can only hope that if I take one day at a time then life will slowly be more enjoyable.
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