What is it to be a mentor?

When you choose to live in the moment and experience live for what it is then you are truly living. I have been trying to understand what life, love, and knowledge truly is. I am eager to help others and understand life a bit more every day. I have lost  my best friend this year, my girlfriend, and well most comforts of life yet I am still motivated to grow. I have no other choice honestly and need to grow daily in order to not loose my shit. I am trying to help a friend who is almost a decade younger than me understand what love is, as I truly have no clue at all what I am doing in my own life. I often wonder if the things I am saying are meant for him or for myself. Well either way, my words are more important than I have ever considered them which makes me wonder if I hold more value in the world then I ever gave myself credit for.

Quick Fire

Sitting in the parking lot of the mall I grew up in and getting ready to start my shift makes me wonder why I ever went to college at all. I have traveled the world just to end up back home at square one. I once heard that no matter how far you run from home, you will always end up back there and I must say it only sucks because it seems to be very true. I am starting over again and I am haunted by the conversation I once had with my father figure. I would have never been able to guess it but one year before he passed away on a Christmas eve, no different from any others, we sat alone and he spoke with fear behind his eyes that life was forcing him to start all over again. He was in his early 60's and the most talented man I have ever known yet he had to start over. A year later he was battling cancer and loosing the battle with the biggest and proudest smile a man could ever have as life would never bring him down because his spirit was so high. I wonder daily if he was telling me a year before he knew that he was dying.

I have to start somewhere and most of these post will be about exploring my life on a daily basis because it is my journey through this world. Maybe someday someone will read these looking backwards and connect the dots. For me, this life has been a crazy journey and I can tell my time is limited here just like everyone else. I am 33 years old and feel the tide of the world changing inside me. I don't feel the way I used to, happy moments come rarely, and the clouds seem to be everywhere even when the sky is blue for everyone else. I am looking to express these thoughts so that others can understand that I won't always be like I am right now in this moment. I am working to learn about life and explore the journey with writing stories so that if I ever father a kid and die early then he can read my words. I wish I had that opportunity.

Morning thoughts

A lifetime ago I woke up see the sun rising out of a medieval window as the wind slowly blew the window open and the sun struck you lightly on the small of your back. I stood up and walked to the window when you kissed the side of my neck and told me this would be the best moment of my life. 

I look back at that kiss as the sun slowly crept out from behind the Tuscan mountain range. It may have truly been the most beautiful moment of my entire life and its hard to think much else could top it. I wonder if you ever think about that moment? Or was it only to torment me for a lifetime knowing the girl that gave me the best moment of my life was only meant to be a quick as a flash in my story. 

I wonder quite often was it a blessing or was it a curse to have had that amazing experience. On one side how can it not be a blessing to find a love so intense that it haunts you because you lost it or it a curse because it is all you think about and wonder if anything will ever compare.

Through My Eyes

As we get older we see the world through a different set of eyes. We imagine the world we were told would exist, the one we dream of, and the harsh reality of the world we know. It isn't often we feel that the universe has align for our benefit, in fact it seems that the universe may have been constructed entirely just to make me realize how small I am in reality. We travel the world to gain a perspective about who we are and who they are. We are the people that we are comfortable with and they are the people who are entirely new to our lives. Sometimes if your travels go well then they become us and we become them. I am looking to open my mind and experience the world in a way that only makes sense to me but somewhere along the way my travels will hopefully become yours. I learned once while traveling through Italy that love was something you only understood when it was about to leave you and sadly this is the way of the world. I want to experience life as much as possible so that I can only understand love.

I currently live in Los Angeles, California.
I currently feel stuck and am looking to change it.
I just turned 33 and am trying to understand what it is to be an adult and a man in this world.
I know this 40 hour week is not my best option for happiness.
I am ready and willing to change it all just to be happy.

I will be looking to catalogue and showcase my travels through my life and I do realize that no matter where I am, I am traveling. I am lucky enough that I live in a place that many people all over the world dreaming of yet I can't wait to escape. I have a decent job with lots of school loans and knowing that this pace of work vs. income will never allow me to win. I have to make a dramatic change and I have to be bold and to be honest I am scared out of my skull to even try. Until I dream of a reality I can see then I will only live the nightmare I can't escape. I am eager to be strong in this moment and realize that somethings in life aren't always supposed to be comfortable. I am living in a manner which I am not happy with but I am lucky to have.