I have not visited this blog for over 1 year and reading the post that I have put up doesn't seem like a good idea just yet. So I will use this platform to go forward and let my random thoughts hit this page. I don't expect anyone to read this but more so it should be my digital journal that is completely open to the world.

So here it goes,

I am at a turning point in my life and it seems that point has lasted much longer than I expected. I have written this time and time again but with no change. I have to wonder at a certain point will I ever take action or am I just slowly waiting for something to fall into my lap. Well that isn't often the case that such dumb luck would drop a golden goose right into my lap so I have to make a change. I have spent most of my life enjoying my daily experiences but as of late it seems to have hit a stalemate and now life seems boring most days. It is almost like groundhogs day in the sense that it just seems to repeat.

Let's document the change and the experience of what it is like to be a wild man who slowed down so much that I don't even recognize myself anymore. It's time to reclaim myself!

It's a pleasure to be sad

A deep breathe in.
Then slowly out.
I am loosing my desire to be fake and ultimately unhappy.
I can see it in myself because it used to be the only thing I saw.
Now I am a bit older with many more flaws.
I have been so lost in my own thoughts that I forgot to be who I want.
I struggle because I choose to.
I fight because it gives me false hope.
I am me most days but some I am us.

Gut check

If anything you want is yours then what is stoping you? The captors of your life are adding up and time isn't planning on slowing down. In fact someday it will just stop. Yet you keep thinking you can plan out life, choose the life you deserve, figure it all out. That is such bullshit.

You can do two things in this life and thats it. Be happy or don't be happy. It does seem that simple actually and we fight our gut feeling because we are certain there is more to life than those two choices but there isn't. I am eager to share with the world that I am ready to try for the first time ever. I don't know what that means yet but I am sure as fucking hell ready. I am tired of being so anxious I can't breathe, I am tired of being upset that I am broke when I work a full time job, I am tired of not betting on myself to make my life be fulfilled. I am going to start working on my own happiness for the first time in a long time and honestly maybe the first time ever. I am scared to death and I have no idea what is in front of me but I know that it is time for me to act. My only other choice is a life that is full of unhappiness and who the fuck wants that!

Will the dogs ever stop?

A night like no other. Simple enough I'd guess that tonight won't bring the best night of my life or for that matter even any change at all. Maybe that is part of the process, the nights sitting quietly listening to music with that bit of unease messing with my soul and I'm laying in my adult dog bed. In the morning everything goes back to normal and the world thinks I am happy or at least it is so busy it forgets about me for awhile. I saw you recently, just for a second, you allude me to often but I do swear that I saw you today. I peaked around the corner and saw that thing that used to make you appear but when I turned around, you were gone. I wonder why can't you stay longer but I realize that it isn't far to stay to long anyways. If you do then people will just think they are crazy because who thought they could have you all the time, literally 24/7. Well I lost you again tonight but hopefully tomorrow I can find you.

I don't think much about weather or not this is the right thing or not. I know it isn't. I just don't know what is. This may sound vague but if you can read between the lines or at least attach it to something that matters to you then you will truly understand. Life is a balance of confusion, humility, anger, disappointment, and sorrow. Why are so many of the most powerful parts of life so painful? Well, it is so that when beauty strikes, you can see it. Being able to recognize your impersonal strength is something most people could never do, oh but hey, I think I found you again.

Don't forget to smile today!😃

Light and stuff

The light within can be a powerful thing. 

As I just sat down in my reality again it is truly easy to forget all the fun that was just had on my weekend adventure to San Diego and my eminent return to Los Angeles. I find that traveling to places that I have previously lived always leaves me torn between the things I loved and the reasons I left. I did enjoy my time in Balboa park and the museums they have to offer and the amazing dinner we had was just the icing on the cake for the weekend escape. I am now getting ready to get back to work and try my hand at learning a new skill which I should absolutely crush yet I am not sure that I even want to do it. I am really trying to focus on saying 'yes' to as much as possible in life and it has really taken me to some interesting situations and places in my life. I said 'yes' to a quick San Diego escape and I said 'yes' to most everythign else that I can think of this weekend. The trick will be seeing how much longer I can say 'yes'.

Eggs sitting on a jacuzzi

Not much to say right now. Well that isn't quite true but there isn't much to be declared as this form of myself. As a man who has become a chameleon through all of my life experiences I am never quite sure who the real me is? I hear people tell me what I am to them and obviously they all see me different but it's not just because they are different people but purely because I am not allowing them to not see the Jason that would appeal to them in that moment the most.

Does that mean I am fake? Maybe.
Does this mean I am a liar? Probably.
Does that mean I am still learning about myself? Absolutely!

I am not a fake liar but I am most definitely still learning about who I am at 33 years of age. I hear my peers talking about a life that is better and worse then mine. I once heard that if you have a roof over your head, food in your belly, and air in your lungs then you were kicking ass in this world! I understand that more as days go by but only because I am looking backwards and connecting the dots. I know that noting in this world is permanent and I know that life will continue to test me and push my limits but I would never have it any other way. There are beautiful, painful, amazing, unreal, introspective things just around the horizon and I am so excited to be challenged by life. The day you can sit at a table covered in pee pads, eating a week old meal because your aunt really wanted to serve it to you, your stomach now killing you, and a smile on your face because you know that it could be worse is a great day.

Who knows what happiness is but what I do know is that I am experiencing something special right now. This is a different sort of moment that has been poking at the back of my soul for a decade is finally being placed squarely on my shoulders but I am ok with it. I am struggling to find happiness and perspective but I can only hope that if I take one day at a time then life will slowly be more enjoyable.

And then there is family....

Some people in this life are your family by blood and some people in this world are your family by destiny. Either way it is truly amazing how people that you love have such power over you because you allowed them to have it. Years ago I got into some trouble with the law and I dealt with it, I paid my dues and took care of my shit but till this day every time I have a beer someone asks me if I am allowed to drink? Wow....that is like taking an emotional knife and sticking it right into my eyes. It hurts because I know for the rest of their lives they will question everything they do and they think they are actually better than me. I was told tonight that I shouldn't stress about life because Jesus led a life of misery and I should be grateful for any thing positive in my life. The absolute best part is that I didn't say or do anything except get home from work and say hi. I have been living in an odd situation living on what I call an adult dog bed but rather than feeling like I can make things better, my family loves to throw jabs at me and let me know that it could be worse. I do agree with that and I do not question it but I also wonder why they feel like they need to kick me when I am down? I remember all the times I have had to make excuses for them to my friends and make up reasons why they were so judgmental, racist, and just straight ignorant but after a while all you can do is wonder why do I care to protect these people? Well, they are my family. I don't like being spoken down to, I don't like that every single thing I do is questioned but this is life for now. I gave up all of my freedom the second I applied for a Visa credit card and decided to live on my own. I often wonder what life would have been like if I just stayed home an extra few years and never came back opposed to me escaping my reality for just a short time and then being sucked right back into the misery of others. I am beyond tired of listening to my family tell me that Jesus suffered forever and I will to and someday after a lifetime of misery and pain that I will be rewarded in heaven. I truly wish that I had a different family most days because I dream of how things could have been better but honestly I just hate how they push a religion that is so ridiculous on me as if that was my only saving grace. Religion is for weak minded people who need a way to control other people. If you ever tell anyone that they will be eternally spurned because they masturbate, want to fuck a person of the same sex, or just anything that is different than their closed minded reality then you are the worst sort of person that exists.